As I think about the experiences I am going to share, I wonder if I should just leave it alone. I mean, I have not talked about it (much...my sister did know a little bit of it, but as far as I know, she took it to her grave. Sisters are like that.) for all these years, so why now? It just feels right to me now. That's why.
For many years, while I was busy raising a family, I pushed it far away, out of mind, and really didn't think it would bother me for a lifetime. I was wrong. But now that I'm much older, it really 'chaps my ass' that someone much older than me, who was more of an authority figure, could hurt me and take so much away from me at an age where I couldn't really do much to protect myself. And I hate that I was all alone in it. It sickens me that I could have been that vulnerable. But I'm not afraid of people finding out now. Well, that's not entirely true. I don't want to hurt people, so I am not using names. (much as I'd love to) but I'm not in a position to be hurt by it any more, either. I already was, and now I'm just realizing that I've allowed this person to take away my joy. I've allowed him to basically be present in so many aspects of my life, that I am mad at myself.
I'm putting an end to it now.
I will say that, as I eventually continue, I'm not going to get graphic, and I'm not going to apologize for that. I know what happened, and just getting it out into the open is enough.
People say that everybody has things hidden away that they're not proud of. That is probably safe to say. I don't know if everybody obsesses like I did, or if they just get over it or what. I know plenty of people who have done things that they wish they hadn't, but it doesn't make me think less of them, at all. I guess if anything, it makes me admire them for having been able to deal with it (if they have) and for having allowed themselves to move on. Granted, I don't know anyone who's committed murder, or anything like that, you know, something for which they should pay a high price, but as for problems in life, whether they caused them themselves, or if they'd been wronged, I don't judge my friends on that kind of thing, and I have never held anything against them.
I know that millions of people have encountered a situation in their lives just like I did. Even worse than I did. Maybe even people who lived in the same town as me, and for all I know, maybe by the same man. I can't speak for them, or how other people move on from this, because I really don't know. What I do know is that we can't let these things hold us captive. I lived that way practically my whole life, and if I knew then what I know now, this asshole would have gone to jail, and I might have been able to allow myself to make some better judgement calls throughout my life.
So, I don't know why I have beat myself up for all these years. I think it goes back, at least in part, to the kind of environment that I was lucky enough to grow up in. Small town and all...where image means everything.
I don't really know where to start...and no, I'm not procrastinating...I just feel like once I start, there will be some jumping ahead and jumping back. I will try to tie it in, if I have to do that, but as I remember time frames, and it reminds me of something relevant, then I will need to recall it at that point.
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