Introducing Myself

I am nothing special. Really. I'm not even educated...much. But sometimes we just have to realize that the deep dark secret that we've been keeping has also been holding us hostage. And I am smart enough to know that.
So, in my healing and letting go of my secret, I fully intend to make myself a better me. And it's taken over 40 years to get up the courage to look my demons in the face. That's a long time. But, having been knocked down to the ground a few times during the last 40 some years, in just trying to tell someone close to me my story, I decided that maybe it isn't the people close to me that I need to tell. Just someone. And I'm going to do that. Because it's time.
It's time to come to terms with some bad decisions. I'm not playing the 'victim card'. It's far too late for that, although that's exactly what I was. At one time. But, in my mature years, I have learned a lot. I now know that there were outside influences in so many of my life choices. From self-esteem issues to employment, to marriages, and everything in between. From nightmares to loneliness...it makes so much sense now. I could have had a much different life, if I had only known better. If only I had known then what I know now.

"Chamomile Calm"...what is THAT all about? (I don't even DRINK tea!) But, what it means to me is this...there are times when we have to find the 'calm after the storm'. We live in fear that our secrets will be realized by others and that those people will use our past to hurt us. Once that storm is over, it can leave devastation that can last a lifetime. Finding the 'Chamomile Calm' is like drinking a relaxing glass of wine on a particularly bad day. It's like taking a long bubble bath, and it's like closing our eyes on the back porch and breathing in the spring. Finding a little peace. You know...just finding the soft spot to fall.

So, although this is a work in progress, if anyone, for whatever reason, reads this and is interested in my little journey, please be patient. 40 plus years is a long time to keep a dark secret, and it might take some time to find the words. But once I do, I might be a wind bag...so hold on... 

And, if my friends stumble on this, I beg that you show no judgment, for it's the fear of being judged that kept me quiet and injured for so long. 

My name is Chloe, this is my story...and I am going to find my 'Chamomile Calm'.