There was a time, when my youngest was very small, that I sold Home Interior & Gifts. It was a home decorating party plan kind of thing. Anyway, one of the people I worked with and I became friends. She was older, but went to the same school I did, and I remembered her and her family. We would go to meetings together at least once a week for about two years. I confided in her, just a little, about what happened to me at the store I worked in when I was younger. She was sympathetic, and I was good with that, and trusted her with what I told her.
That kind of work didn't last long, because people just didn't spend their money on that kind of thing. I did finally go to work in a local grocery store, and my friend went to work at my husband's family's business. I would have liked to have worked there, but I guess it was never an option for me.
Well, a few years went by. This friend started to tell me things about our family's business that didn't sit right with me. It's a long story, and I can't get into it, but I can say that I had reason to believe that she and one of the part owners were doing shifty business, and were doing things they shouldn't have been doing. And, I don't just mean in business, but on a personal level as well. I was very uncomfortable with what I was learning about her relationship with the partial owner, and I tried to get my husband to trust and listen to me try to tell him what I was suspecting was going on. Months went by, and nobody took what I said seriously. Finally one day it all came to 'a head', and she did get fired. (not because of anything I said...she did this all by herself)
This is only important information to this story because she came into the grocery store right after, and blamed me for her getting fired...then, as she was leaving, she said, "Well. MAYBE I should call Mr. 'little man'. (she used his name) Threw it right up in my face...which is what I would find happened on more than one occasion with people I tried to trust with my deepest secret.
It wasn't long after this whole family business thing, that my husband kind of befriended the 'little man' and his toady friend through Ducks Unlimited. I was crushed. He even took my children to 'toadie friend's' house once or twice to swim in their pool. Didn't he remember what had happened? Yes, he did remember. But, it didn't really matter to him. I still, to this day, cannot believe it. I had needed to feel protected. I needed to have that 'soft place to fall', and I just didn't know that I was going to have to create it myself. I felt that he thought so little of the nightmare I was put through...it was HIS hand gun that I used to threaten these very men! I felt betrayed.
Sadly, after almost 15 years, the marriage ended. And, I can't say with certainly that this whole 'Little Man' shit didn't have a part to play. It may have.
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What I have found, over the years, is that there are very few people you can trust with this kind of secret, because people just don't 'get it'. Some of the most important people in my life have told me that I can tell them anything. 'You can trust me', they say...but the first thing they want to know is, "What did he DO to you?" (he bought me candy and a pony, dumbass) Instead of understanding and compassion, they want to know the gory details. That's almost like asking a Soldier who's come home from war, (and trying to deal with it) if 'he killed anybody'...how ignorant. And, once that happens, they don't get another chance. I will clam up very fast if I think the person on the receiving end is not sincere. Usually, they're not. Turns out, the few people I thought I should have been able to trust the most, were the ones I could trust the least. They were the most judgmental. When I was the most vulnerable, some of the people I trusted the most just couldn't understand my humiliation. They acted like what happened was not a big deal at all. When it was probably THE one biggest thing that molded me. I had to fight myself and learn how to be the person I wanted to be.
I've even had a few of these people imply that it was my fault...really? You think I haven't beat myself up enough over the last 45 years already? And you want me to confide in you, but when I do, you tell me it was my fault and I should have done something about it? That's it? Thanks for nothing.
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If you haven't discovered why I didn't tell anyone by now, I will refresh the situation a little:
Small town USA...1975. Everybody, and I do mean everybody...knew everyone's family. Who was I going to tell? I've already established why I couldn't tell my own family...remember the 'whoring around' comment? (ugh)
Who would believe me? It would have been at least a half a dozen 'prominent men', in our little community, against my word. Where was I going to go with this? What would happen if I DID tell someone? (and 'the little man' told me often that I wasn't going to tell anyone, because nobody would believe me) This was not something that was talked about, I didn't know anyone else who had gone through anything similar. If I had just told a friend (well, I did tell a few, but I also made them promise not to discuss it with anyone...and I found out years later that one friend had gone through our high school days with an alcohol problem of his own, so I'm sure HE didn't even remember what I had said) they might have just told a few more friends, and then everybody WOULD have been talking about it behind my back, but nothing would get resolved. (as it turns out, none of my friends really did know...that I know of, anyway...I was simply paranoid...that's a great place to be when you're 17)
Could I have brought them all down? All of these men who sat in that back room of that store drinking and laughing, and talking about other men's wives in the community...could I have put a stop to their disgusting behavior? Not likely. Real pillars of the community. Our beautiful but sad little town...
I still love it, and I visit often, but I still look over my shoulder.
I was already beating myself up every day. I felt humiliated, dirty, and like I wasn't worth two shits. It took years...over 40...for me to realize that I was not at fault, no matter what a few people implied.
This thing had an impact on almost every decision I ever made. How the actions of one dirty old man can change the course of somebody's life is unbelievable. I questioned everything. Was I good enough? Was I smart enough? Was I a good enough mom? Daughter? Sister? Wife? I just didn't think I could be...after all, look what I 'let' happen, way back when. I took everything anybody did to heart, and thought 'If only I could...' whatever it was...if I could just be better, then everything could be better. I now know that if I would have handled things differently at that time in my life, I might not have automatically ‘disqualified’ myself from many things I was interested in throughout my life, for fear that I would fail, because I wasn’t good enough. Maybe I could have focused and not jumped from one thing to the next. Maybe I wouldn’t have secretly beaten myself up.
This guy's daughter, up until about a year ago, was stalking me on a social website. She sent me one anonymous message that would curl your hair. I knew it was her by the content of the things she said, but she didn't use her real name (of course). She threatened me of what she'd do if she ever saw me. She spouted things that weren't true, that I had supposedly done to their family (gross) and used the most vulgar language I ever heard. (or read). I blocked her from being able to find me from her personal social media, but she kept trying, through phony profiles, and would send vulgar messages, then delete the phony profile. And she also tried to trick me into becoming her internet friend by sending me requests via the social media with phony names, or pretending to be someone else. Many times. I consider that stalking. I would have liked to have been given a chance, at one time, to explain myself...but not now. It doesn't matter any more.
I thought I had buried it for good, but it kept popping up. It never goes away. And that's why I finally wrote about it here.
It seems a little funny that this kind of experience could give you PTSD, but it can. And, it does. It can ruin relationships and can cause you to second guess yourself, every step of the way. It can cause such low self esteem that you don't believe you deserve to be happy and safe. You never truly get over it.
A high school friend whom I did tell about this later in life, contacted me not long ago and told me that she found out I 'wasn't the only one'...I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse. I know it makes me feel terrible for the others.
The 'toadie' friend is gone now. Passed away several years ago. He had a very nice wife. I saw her later on sometimes, and I wondered if she was secretly glad to be able to live a normal life without a rotten cheating drunken husband. But, she is also gone now. I hope she had some pleasant years. I think she did.
The man with the little man syndrome lost his lovely wife several years ago, too. She didn't deserve to be treated like he treated her. I hope, now that he's an old man, that he's miserable. I hope he reflects on his behavior and how he dogged his family. I wish he stayed awake at night thinking about it...but I'm sure he sleeps like a baby. A baby with whisky in his bottle.
And, as I think of more things to add, I will do so.
Will I ever discuss it with anyone else? Nah...I doubt it. It's not worth the risk. But, this 'blog' venue is good. And, I invite others who've been through something similar to comment, if you'd like, and maybe start your own blog...get it off your chest.
Life is short.
“Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex; But eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, Stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories and make peace with them.” ... Iyanla Vanzant
Find your 'Chamomile Calm'.Chloe
♥
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