Because several months had gone by since I first started working at the store, I was pretty comfortable and trusting of the people around me. Except for the unusual instance that one of the 'old men from the back room', thinking he would try to be cute and shock me with an off colored joke, I didn't have any problems. I liked helping people who would come into the store, and loved getting to know them.
I remember the men blatantly drinking and laughing, thinking everything they did was so funny...when they were actually pretty juvenile acting, even to a 17 year old. Once, the owner of the store asked me if I'd make them a sign to hang in the back room that read, 'Hog Style, Dog Style'...and I know I was pretty naive, but I didn't know what they wanted that for, or even what it meant. But I knew it was very inappropriate. They made their own sign, I might add.
But, for the most part, I wasn't bothered by the ridiculous behavior, because I stuck to myself. There was always something to do there. I never once thought any of them would hurt me or anything like that.
Sometimes the kid that was so nice to me would stop in the store to say hello, and maybe we'd make a plan for that evening. A few other friends would stop in once and awhile to chat for a minute, and I liked that.
But, late one hot afternoon in about August, the other guy that worked at the store for the summer came up front and told me that the boss wanted to see me in the back room. I honestly didn't think a thing of it, even though it was a little unusual. As I made my way back behind where the shoes were stacked and stored, down a cement ramp and around a corner, I saw 'him' sort of half laying on a little couch that was back there. His eyes were closed, his tongue was sticking out of his half smiling mouth, his FLY was open, and yes...you guessed it. 'IT' was also sticking out. WHAT THE HELL?
In total disgust, I turned and left that back room to howls of laughter.
Let it be known that I'm a little nervous writing this, because I've never written much about it or talked to anyone about it. As I've gotten older, I have finally told a few people about some of these events, but not in much detail. So, um...yeah...this is a little creepy for me to do. No...it's a LOT creepy...
I need a little break here.
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When the 'wienie incident' happened, I didn't know what to do about it. So, after he jokingly said he didn't mean anything by it, I decided to just let it go. I did tell my young man friend, sort of, but I made him promise not to tell anyone about it. However, I was asked by my boss not to let him come around the store anymore. I'm not sure even now why that was.
School started in early September, and I was now a senior in high school. I had already worked it out in school, so that I would go to work at the store in the mornings, and then go to school in the afternoon. I had all the credits I needed, and I still wanted to make a little money.
I was a cheerleader, so many days I'd wear my uniform to work in the morning, then would already have it on for 'game day'. We all wore our cheerleading uniforms on every game day, and the football and basketball players still dressed up nice on those days, too. They even wore ties.
Before I move on, I think it's important to describe this man a little bit. You know what the Napoleon Complex is, right? This was the classic 'Little Man Syndrome'. He was about in his late 30s, I guess, at the time, and...short. But, although small in stature, he had a big mouth...naturally. Laughed all the time, and actually did have a pretty good sense of humor. I think people liked him, but he did over compensate by trying to be a 'big man'...drank a lot, smoked a lot, and chewed a lot of Wrigley Spearmint Gum. (I found this out in a hurry, as he on more than one occasion tried to 'manhandle' me and hold me up against a wall) However, to my knowledge, nobody in town but his 'crony pals' knew what a lowlife he was. And I'm sure, for as much time as most of those men spent in the back room of that store, they knew.
I was once standing at the end of a counter and as it was a game day, I had my cheerleading uniform on, and was heading to school in just a bit. He came up behind me, and I wasn't sure at first what was happening, but he pressed up the backside of me. As I started to try to move, he just laughed and kind of moved out of the way so I could then move. He held his hands up and said, 'Sorry'...but was grinning like an idiot.
This is kind of how this started. Nothing that I felt I couldn't handle, but...as the fall grew into winter, more and more of these kinds of incidences happened.
You have to know that this is the area for which I do not apologize for making it as subtle as I can, and for not getting graphic. What happened in these months of my life are something I do not want to fully discuss, and I think I can get my story out without doing that.
I remember being at a basketball game, and my cheerleading squad would go out onto the gym floor to do a 'pom pom' dance routine. The 'little man' would sit up on the stage across from the bleachers with his crony friends, all of whom I knew, or at least I knew their families. (my own Dad would sit there sometimes. I guess men who sort thought they were important, or were on the school board often sat there) Some of these men would have kids that I went to school with. (Remember now, I am in high school.) In one routine in particular, some of the steps would have us turning around and facing the stage, putting our back to the audience in the bleachers, before doing a few more steps and turning around again to face the bleachers. As I would do that, the 'little man' would be staring right at me, with his tongue hanging out. Then he'd be laughing. Pig.
By the way, I had made it very clear that I didn't like what he was doing when we would be alone at the store, but he usually just laughed and left me alone. But, he was a persistent little jackass, I'll give him that.
Once, his wife, who was a VERY lovely person...sweet, adorably cute...not overly bright, (and I'm not saying that to be mean, at all. She just wasn't.) but was very nice and kind...had made plans with her friend to go skiing. Her friend showed up, but it was snowing quite hard, and they considered not going. I remember thinking, 'Please don't go, please don't go', hoping she'd stay there so her husband would stay away from me. But she went.
Speaking of his wife, she had to have a hysterectomy at one point. I'm pretty sure this is not long before I left there, but here's what happened:
I knew some nice folks who owned a small motel just outside of town, and sometimes they'd ask me if I could 'babysit' it while they went out of town for the day. I knew them pretty well, and they trusted me there. The wife showed me how to use their switchboard, and I liked it. I really loved them, too. This time was winter, and it wasn't going to be busy there...it must have been a weekend day, because I wasn't in school. It could have been Christmas Break.
So, the store owner's wife went in to have her surgery. I had gotten there early to watch the motel and was spending the day at their office, when a car comes up the drive, and in comes the 'little man'. Giggling like always, like everything he did was so damn cute, he suggests I give him a key to a room, then come and meet up with him there. What the hell?!? Was he freakin' KIDDING? As if he were a 12 year old boy, I finally got him to leave there, and go to the hospital to see his wife...but guess what? On the way back, here he comes again! I didn't know when the motel owners would be back, so I did get him to leave and go home to his kids. What an ass.
It was constant badgering and chasing.
He pushed me up against a wall in a dark corner once, and that's when the distinct stench of stale cigarettes, yesterday's booze, and Wrigley Spearmint Gum made an impact. I will never forget that messed up smell. I feel that I was relatively lucky in my persuading him to leave me alone in most cases. But, he would say disgusting things to me that I didn't even know the meaning of. (even now I blush just thinking about it) I don't know if it was a shock value he was going for, or what was going on in his pea brain, but I sure did get an unwanted education.
So, believe me when I say I felt that I could no longer handle the situation. I would decide that I had to quit the job, even though by now I had bought that car that I wanted so badly, and would have to pay for it. It was my first loan, and my dad co-signed for it, and there is no way I was going to have him asking me why I couldn't pay for my car. Besides, I'd have to tell him why I quit, because I couldn't think of any reason that would have been a good excuse TO quit. So, each time I decided I would have to bite the bullet and just quit, and figure out the car thing later, the 'little man' would apologize and leave me alone for awhile.
Then, as always, it would start all over, and his filthy little hands would try to start groping up my skirt, or he'd have me up against a wall...I know, it's sickening. I can hardly even write these things.
I just remembered what I wanted to say about the guy that I dated for a while that wasn't so nice to me...remember him? Well, he came home from college on a long weekend that winter, and I'm guessing it was around the time of the hysterectomy/motel ordeal. We had broken up long ago, but were going out...I don't even know why. (probably because I felt like, being the loser I was, I didn't deserve better) I don't even remember where we went, probably just a movie, but were talking on the way home. He implied that I had something 'going on' with the guy at the store...WHAT? Did he seriously THINK that? And, where on earth did he come up with THAT conclusion, and where on earth did he hear about this? I tried to rationally talk to him about it, but that was impossible. He was somewhat belligerent, and thought he knew it all, and I couldn't wait to get out of his car. I never saw him again. Not ever.
So, at that very moment, in my own little rationale, I decided that everybody must know.
Now, this is probably the thing that made the most impact on me thus far. I was sure, just absolutely certain, that everybody I knew, knew about this. I just knew that they were talking about it behind my back. I thought that people could just look at me, and they could tell I was being harassed by this older, married guy. All of the town's people knew him, and everybody knew me and my family. I just knew that everybody that had morning coffee together at the local diner were talking about me. I just knew my friends at school were laughing when I wasn't around, and that their parents knew about it. And, I just knew all the teachers knew. I thought that everybody could tell by just looking at me.
I didn't go to parties, I didn't drink, I didn't really go anywhere but to ball games. To be very honest, I just didn't fit in anywhere. For awhile I thought I did, but when I look back, I see that I really didn't. I missed out on a lot because of what happened. I felt so dirty and humiliated. And I just knew everybody else knew. And, at the same time, because I didn't know how to stop it, I felt kind of...stuck.
Actually, a lifelong 'friend', someone who I've known since we were 5 years old, who went back and forth with me to each others' homes all through growing up, and who has been what I'd consider a friend, recently told me via social media that she's despised me since we were in Kindergarten, and that I was a bitch, even then...can Kindergarteners even BE bitches?...and that I am such a nothin' compared to her, and how she is so much better than me...she's probably right about that. (Maybe that is the real reason I never even got asked to a party. I wouldn't have gone, because I knew my Dad would have found out, but it would have been nice to be asked...just once.) This was all because we are political opposites. But, as I recall things that happened during that time in my life, I realize that anything is possible. Even now, it goes through my head that maybe she is talking about THIS.
I've struggled all of my life with feeling like I'm judged. I must walk around with a target somewhere on me.
I know what you're thinking...'Why didn't you quit that job? Why didn't you TELL someone?'
I will dedicate a whole page to that.
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